Fred Goodwin to be disinvited from Cameron's summer cook up

The Tories have underlined their tough stance on capitalism after indicating that Fred the Shred may not appear in David Cameron's summer barbecue, which is regarded as a major cunt magnet in the Oxfordshire social calender.

Tory spokesman Charles Gregor-Fish said: "If Fred Goodwin thinks wrecking a bank, plunging Britain into debt and showing not a care in the world about it does not have consequences, then he can think again.

"Those Angus beef quarter pounders will simply not be available this year. Well, he certainly won't get seconds that is for sure."

Dave Cameron added: "Look, there is no point ruining the barbecue because the event makes everybody happy and that is really important when you have to spend most of the week firing people as most of my mates do.

"And there is no point in just making the thing worse purely for the sake of 'punishment' - that would be like jailing someone for committing a crime (I am of curse referring to someone who normally wears a suit)."

He added: "Clearly we have to send out a message but also have to recognise that without Fred's brilliant harmonica rendition, then our summer jamboree just would not be the same.

"So what we are saying is that Fred is completely 110% banned from the barbecue but that does not mean he cannot come to the drinks meet and greet. He will not be doing his prog harmonica version of Snooker Loopy but we will entertain his Stairway to Heaven as it is so damn good."