NewsFox

No-one critcises US video of marine shooting people endlessly

2012-01-26T14:26:00.000-08:00

Absolutely no-one has criticised a video of US marines shooting people.

No human rights campaigners or politicians were remotely bothered that for about ten millionth day in human history, marines were running around a foreign country trying to blow people up for no obvious reason.

The video, which is also known as 'the Fox News Channel', in fact praised soliders for dropping bombs on Afghan farmland and killing a geriatric in Pakistan.

Instead, they all went mental at a video which appeared to show demented young men bred to kill acting like muppets.

Polly DontBee, the Guardian's morality correspondent, said: "I just cannot think what would make men urinate on a dead corpse. It is vulgar and not what one would expect of a liberal war which has rules that are kept in a safe in London.

"We understand that the warrior needs glory but can't he perhaps play charades?"

"I suppose being thousands of miles from home in a meaningless unwinnable war might do it. Yet these men are of course fighting a vital battle for oil - sorry democracy - which is so absolutely important that I have devoted these two paragraphs of my column to it."

Scots to be asked if they hate Jimmy Hill as part of referendum question

2012-01-26T13:53:00.000-08:00

Alex Salmond has insisted there is nothing confusing about asking Scots whether or not they hate Jimmy Hill in the referendum question.

Critics have insisted the Scottish National Party are doing everything they can to ensure that the independence referendum does not ask Scots whether they would like to be independent.

Gryce McBoyd, Labour leader said: “The SNP know that the Scottish people do not support independence so they need a plan B if that goes wrong.

“In this case, that Plan B will be to constitutionally permit violence against Jimmy Hill for his racist attacks on Scottish football tactics, in particular passing.”

Salmond denied the claims, insisting that he was simply offering the Scottish people a full range of options.

He said: “It would be outrageous to suggest that by quite reasonably giving Scots their first ever chance to officially register their anger at Jimmy Hill is a way of softening the blow of defeat.

“For years, the Scottish people have had no choice but to listen to Jimmy ranting about crap Scottish goalkeepers and unfairly labelling Scots as Brits, which they in fact are.

“If we are going to have a referendum on the future of Scotland and the fundamental purpose of my party – which I am completely relaxed about – then we may as well try and legalise beating up Jimmy Hill as the historical scar of his constant attacks on our culture have been with us too long. “

That Scottish independence plan in full:

:: Queen stays head of state
:: London remains capital
:: BBC keeps broadcasting
:: Scotland pay fug all in taxes

Jagger pulls out of Davos after seeing all the beggars

2012-01-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

Mick Jagger has pulled out of the world economic forum after revealing that he was done hanging with poor, clueless pseudo hippies.

Jagger insisted that he was not going to be tapped up for money for the IMF.

He said: “Keith Richards still owes me a hell of a lot for that heroin I bought him. I am not going down that road again.

“When you’re in music, you get used to people trying to be cool or friendly. These days, I prefer straight out evil bastards. David Cameron is just wet.”

Jagger added: “When I was offered the chance to go to the World Economic Forum, I really had a vision of a giant secret cave with a retractable roof and an array of weirdly normal henchmen.

“Instead, I am told that I have to sit around with a bunch of skint blokes who are going around the world begging for money. Sorry but I used to do that in the 1960s.”

He added: “It looks like I am going to have to go to the World Missiles Expo to have a bit of fun with people who are rich and powerful like me. Apparently some of these so called world leaders still uses buses. Yeuch!”

David Cameron will not however cancel his new version of Dancin in the Street. French leader Nicolas Sarkozy has stepped in for the new Davos version, Beggin in the Street, with both leaders promising to better Bowie and Jagger’s ‘chemistry’.

Harry Redknapp denies trying to hide Peter Crouch offshore

2012-01-26T13:46:00.000-08:00

Harry Redknapp attempted to hide Peter Crouch offshore after realising how crap at football he was, a court has heard.

The Spurs manager allegedly tried to bundle the surprisingly fleet footed 7ft 3in Crouch into a kit bag before then chucking him into the North Sea.

The court heard that Redknapp was desperate for no-one to see Crouch attempt a shot from outside the box or pass after he watched his new signing play a reserve game.

He said: “I was sent a DVD but that was of Gerd Muller, it’s an easy to mistake to make. I don’t know what players look like, that’s the chairman’s job.”

Redknapp denied the offence and insisted: “This was all completely above board. Well it certainly was until we threw Crouchy overboard.

“There was no deception involved - we even got Crouchy’s parents to agree. A team in Belgium wanted to sign but Crouchy refused so what else was I supposed to do. We had Adebayor coming in and I needed the wages.”

The revelations came as Redknapp faces trial for tactics evasion.

Prosecutors claim that for years Redknapp evaded tactics during spells at West Ham and Southampton before revealing himself to be a tactical genius at Spurs.

Fred Goodwin to be disinvited from Cameron's summer cook up

2012-01-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

The Tories have underlined their tough stance on capitalism after indicating that Fred the Shred may not appear in David Cameron's summer barbecue, which is regarded as a major cunt magnet in the Oxfordshire social calender.

Tory spokesman Charles Gregor-Fish said: "If Fred Goodwin thinks wrecking a bank, plunging Britain into debt and showing not a care in the world about it does not have consequences, then he can think again.

"Those Angus beef quarter pounders will simply not be available this year. Well, he certainly won't get seconds that is for sure."

Dave Cameron added: "Look, there is no point ruining the barbecue because the event makes everybody happy and that is really important when you have to spend most of the week firing people as most of my mates do.

"And there is no point in just making the thing worse purely for the sake of 'punishment' - that would be like jailing someone for committing a crime (I am of curse referring to someone who normally wears a suit)."

He added: "Clearly we have to send out a message but also have to recognise that without Fred's brilliant harmonica rendition, then our summer jamboree just would not be the same.

"So what we are saying is that Fred is completely 110% banned from the barbecue but that does not mean he cannot come to the drinks meet and greet. He will not be doing his prog harmonica version of Snooker Loopy but we will entertain his Stairway to Heaven as it is so damn good."

Daily Mail forums to return to wikipedia fuelled turbo drivel

2012-01-18T15:54:00.000-08:00

Posters such as silly_ass_righty and honest_housewife and Browbeater will return to the netwaves after being prevented from wildly misunderstanding the day's news due to the wikipedia blackout.

The online encyclopaedia took itself off the air in protest at a bill which would leave wikipedia as the only website left that you could look at.

Founder Jimmy Wales said: "The thought that you could only look up facts on the internet, as opposed to a panoply of free shit, is incredibly terrifying.

"The dream of the internet was not about information, it was about free porn. We wanted to blackout wikipedia to remind people that biographies and data is rubbish. I hope people spent the day watching boobs."

However the Daily Mail was badly affected by the news.

Its army of deranaged and racist readers were unable to list the number of cruise accidents caused by political correctness and EU bureaucracy.

They were also prevented from pulling three words out of George Orwell's page to prove he was a hypocrite or editing Barack Obama's page to claim that there is an ongoing investigation into whether he is really black.

Mail reader Candid Cameron posted: "What the F. No wonkypedia, so how do I get background on whether coffee is good for me this week?"

Genghis_Keane said: "Thank God it is back up as I want to back up my point that the bank crisis was caused by teachers reading the Guardian."

Ed Milliband shock as he learns Dennis Skinner is a Labour MP

2012-01-18T15:31:00.000-08:00

Ed Moribund and senior Labour figures are reeling after it emerged that the mad old bloke who sits near them is a Labour MP.

Labour insider Ted Griggs said: "We just thought he was somebody's dad but Ed said we should not say anything because we have to be inclusive.

"When he got up and asked a question to David Cameron there was understandable concern."

Moribund said: "What people have to decide, what people have to think about, is basically that when an old guy is weeing next to you, is the 'obvious' thing to do is assume that he is a politician who has decades of experience."

He insisted that he had no reason to think Skinner was actually an MP.

Moribund said: "He just warbles on about 'redistribution of wealth' and something called 'socialism'. I mean it is just nonsense words, we cannot make head or tail of it. How were we supposed to know he was an MP....he seems to care about things."

Victoria Beckham refuses to sign for Paris St Germain

2012-01-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

David Beckham has failed to get his missus to let him play in Paris.

French club PSG thought they had tied up a deal for David after offering him a free ball and a blue Umbro T shirt they found in a bin.

However discussions with Victoria have proved more difficult.

Leonardo, the club’s transferication and bullshit co-ordinator, said: “It is normal that you sign a deal with the player so we thought, naturally that we had a deal.

“But then this lady Victoria says we have to sign her too even though it is quite clear that she does not play football because she says it affects her shoes.”

He added: “Given this, we thought the offer of 1m euros a year was very fair. But she asked for a reality show, a 33 week tour and optimum pitches for her fashion range in Paris's best fashion stores.

“And I don’t think she was talking about the JJBs which has just opened up.”

Victoria issued a statement which said: “I am sorry that PSG could not meet my demands and I am sure there are many other teams which can help me get a reality show on MTV such as Gillingham and David would be the best kicker in that team."

Her husband David added: “I really like football.”

Redknapp to be Chancellor if Labour win election

2012-01-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

Labour leader Ed Moribund will make Harry Redknapp Chancellor if he wins the next election.

Moribund admitted that there was no money and Redknapp was a proven genius in this environment.

Moribund said: “Harry is very good with tax.”

Redknapp said: “I know there isn’t a budget so we are going to have concentrate on loan deals, mainly from the IMF.

“Of course we are going to have to lighten the wage bill which means letting people go, mainly disabled people.”

However Redknapp insisted that he still hoped to be able to freshen things up.

He said: “We have just got top make sure we give nothing away, such as benefits and overseas aid. We have been too loose at the back but if we shore up then we can start competing in Europe once again.”

North Korean media mystified by mindless hysteria of Premier League hype

2012-01-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

Scenes of mysterious hysteria, intensely controlled news management and inexplicably one sided contests have been met with derision after Premier League football was broadcast in North Korea for the first time.

“There were hordes of people crying over a result which was clearly 99% predictable,” wrote the Pyonyang Daily Spew."

It continued: “In this mysterious league where dissident journalists are immediately banned by Commandante Fergusonov, there appears to be genuine uncertainty over the result of Manchester United versus Wigan.

“This is quite odd as our friends in Malaysia always seem to know the score and make great sums of money from this knowledge.”

The Kin Jong-Un Daily Message was equally confused.

It said: “We see this great grief by the strange fans of Wigan. Did they think their tribe of fat guys and young children could beat the great warriors of Manchester whose men are twice the size? Even the great Kim Jung-Un would not claim such a ridiculous thing and he claims he is cooler than Batman."

Abbot controversy: police to set up 'divide and rule' abuse team

2012-01-09T15:04:00.000-08:00

The police may set up a permanent team to investigate allegations of white people being accused of liking divide and rule.

Met Commissioner Bernard Cribbins said: “We want to redouble our efforts in this area.

“Our failure is a scar on the police force and a festering sore in our society. There is pretty much nothing worse than being accused of liking divide and rule, especially when you find out what it means.”

Victim Ashley Tate says millions of white people are affected every year.

He said: “Many white people do not realise they have been insulted as the abuse takes a long time to say and does not really make a lot of sense.”

Offenders face long jail terms and rehabilitation programmes.

One such offender Dian Abbott said: “To suggest white people do anything is bad is racist. They have suffered for so long with good education and fairness, I am sorry I compounded that.”

Synchronised swimming tickets recalled as organisers realise it's silly

2012-01-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

Olympics organisers have attempted to recall sychronised swimming tickets after admitting that the event is ‘a bit stupid’.

Lord Cojones told Newsfox: “We were sat in our gold plated Olympic towers knocking back free champagne when it suddenly dawned on us that synchronised swimming does not really count as sport.

“It is more like ballet without any art or cultural context.”

He said around nine more bottles of champagne were consumed before it was decided to recall the tickets.

Lord Cojones said: “At first it seemed like a good joke to sell tickets for it. We had no idea people would take it seriously. But then we realised that in this country people pay to watch Aston Villa.”

Dalglish admits taking Tory managed decline memo literally

2012-01-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Kenny Dalglish has said that managing the decline of Liverpool FC despite spending lots of cash has been very hard.

He said: "People assume that this manage decline is an easy business but I can tell you it is not. I had to look long and hard to find a player as bad as Jordan Henderson. To persuade Sunderland that our £20m bid was not a joke was incredibly hard.

"People thought we could not top that and then we went and bought Stewart Downing."

Dalglish has lambasted journalists who have questioned his wisdom.

Wearing another weird T shirt, Dalglish said: "Some people like all this fancy Dan passing nonsense but working class people just want to see corners. You go down the pub and find anyone who would disagree with me."

Peace monitors in Syria criticised after they start shooting people

2012-01-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

Serious questions have been raised about the peace delegation in Syria after they started firing on students from a tank.

Warmongering liberals offered unqualified condemnation of the attacks.

David Cameron said: "You would not expect peace monitors to need a tank. A decent saloon car is perfectly appropriate."

Foreign Secretary Wee Willie Winky said: "We will certainly consider a strongly worded telegram. Unfortunately in the age of austerity, we cannot afford email.

"I would urge the monitors not to shoot people, no matter how long they have had to wait for a toilet break."

The government insisted the trouble in Syria was being treated as seriously as crises in Iraq and Libya.

Winky said: "We give our best wishes to the protesters and would also like to wish them a happy New Year."

India to threaten smokers with John Terry

2012-01-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

India has warned smokers that they will be forced to listen to John Terry's endless self justification if they keep smoking.

The government has unveiled cigarette packages emblazoned with the image of England's most tedious necessary evil instead of the usual warning about fags 'killin' yaw ass'.

Health minister Anush Rao said: "Dying is not a big deal in India. We wanted to try and prevent smoking so we are using the prospect of John Terry coming round your house and telling you all the great things he has done for the community."

The Government has issued a case study featuring various people who back these methods.

One of them, Fabio Capello ,said: "He came to me in South Africa. It was terrible. He would not stop talking about his black friends.

"Then he started talking about how great Joe Cole is. It was liked being attacked by a nonsense machine. It is far scarier than death. You think it has to end, but even after being humiliated by some Germans, it still goes on."

Children in care to be catapulted to nice bits of London

2011-12-29T16:20:00.000-08:00

Children who are not adopted are to be catapulted to Notting Hill under new Tory streamlining plans.

David ‘Dave’ Cameron explained: “For years, we have seen a scandal going on which only a visionary like me was able to see.

"A despicable process, which we have only been able to describe as 'thorough checking' has been preventing children from being adopted."

The Tories want to streamline the process so under-priveleged children can spend two weeks seeing a world that they will never have access to ever again.

He added: "These politically correct social workers have no business asking coked up 23 year olds whether their four hour old marriage is strong enough to justify adopting a cute two year old Bulgarian.

"By using the catapult system, we can have all children in care adopted in three days. And then we will write thart down in the Tory Achievements Book otherwise known as the BBC News website."

Terrorists queue up to use Luis Suarez defence

2011-12-26T09:31:00.000-08:00

Luis Suarez has added to his brilliant attacking play by showing how well he can defend from corners and racism allegations.
Suarez has insisted that when you point at someone while stretching all the sinews of your face in uncontrolled fury, that is actually how Uruguayans accept people unquestioningly into their cultures.

A host of terror suspects in Guantanamo Bay are set to follow this example of brilliant defending by arguing that their attempts to blow things to buggery have simply been misunderstood.

Suspect Farid Ali said: "In my culture, this type of explosion is a typical welcome for all foreigners. I do not watch Eastenders so I had no idea these customs were not welcome in the UK."

Meanwhile, Uruguay has called for a summit with the UK to avoid further issues.

A government minister said: "If a Uruguayan beats you up with oranges that means you have offended him with your body odour. Our culture is highly complex."

Liverpool and Chelsea still back fight against racism laws

2011-12-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

Two of England's biggest football clubs have insisted they are totally committed to the eradication of the social divisions caused by racism laws.

Liverpool have been criticised after their player Luis Suarez was found guilty of making racist comments.

The club issued a statement which said: "We have always been, and always will be, committed to the fight against racism laws.

"These laws cause terrible upset and anguish when we are trying to secure pan African marketing contracts."

Ex footballer Bertie Hill said: "Why can't these things be settled man to man like they do in America with those nice fellows who wear the white cloaks and do bonfires?"

Chelsea have issued a statement saying John Terry will be treated like any other employee who is brilliant at headers.

A club statement said: "Racism laws can cause systemic discrimination against stupid arrogant people who take no responsibility for their behaviour."

Nick Clegg hailed as greatest North Korean

2011-12-20T05:52:00.000-08:00

New North Korean leader Kim Jong un has asked for Nick Clegg to be his new deputy prime minister.

The secretive regime, which can only be visited by buying a plane ticket at a travel agent, apparently believes Clegg to be the perfect foil for fascism 2.0.

Foreign affairs analyst Rincon Nayhopper explained: "The north Koreans have long believed that you must starve and torture people in order to get them to obey you even when it is totally against their interests.

"So they have been amazed at Nick Clegg. He is regarded as the greatest North Korean who never was."

A statement issued by North Korea said: "For a man to be so supine, pathetic and weak without penile electro shock therapy is truly remarkable."

Clegg laughed off the rumours saying that he had a job to do in the UK, although Tory central office insisted Clegg could go as part of the "vital" job of improving stability in that region.

He said: "Well of course if the Prime Minister believes I should go then it would only be right for me to consider that and then, basically, do that.

"We did not win the election and LibDem voters could not expect me to spend my whole term merely sitting in the House of Commons. I can still fulfil my role of singing lullabies to David's children by using Skype or two empty Coke cans tied together by string."

Frank Lampard baffled by failure of sacking rumours to become reality

2011-12-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

Frank Lampard say he is completely baffled as to why Andres Villas Cluelass hasn’t been sacked yet.

“Me and John sent a text to Mr Abramovich and we would have expected to do it by now,” Lampard told Newsfox.

Terry insisted Villas Cluelass had been given every chance to understand that he was not allowed to drop Frank Lampard.

He said: “We have been looking after, sorry playing, for Chelsea for years. When Frank was dropped, I assumed it was some kind of weird joke. Cluelass will start doing teamtalks soon, it just won’t do.”

Lampard slated the unconventional methods used by the Portuguese.

He said: “He has created these things called rules. He just makes them up inside his head and then you have got to adjust your behaviour in order to satisfy these ‘rule’ things. I have never heard of this before and I cannot see it working.”

Both Terry and Lampard expressed shock abour rumours sweeping the capital that Villas Cluelass was on the way out.

Terry said: "We spend a lot of our free time starting these rumours, we expect them to be made into a reality."

Calm Villas-Cluelass accuses Gary Neville of JFK conspiracy

2011-12-18T11:23:00.000-08:00

Chelsea boss Andre Villas Cluelass has accused Gary Neville of murdering John F Kennedy.

The Blues man said it was completely obvious that Neville was the ‘man on the grassy knoll’ but claimed the Gary Neville-owned media was too scared to print the truth.

He told a press conference (who were gathered outside his letterbox): “I cannot come outside for fear of my security.

“Neville is everywhere. He sanctioned the Iraq war and I have total proof but unfortunately my child taped over it with the Hoobs. Then again, that probably had something to do with Neville.

“If you think about it, everything becomes obvious. Neville hated JFK because of his attractiveness and popularity just like me. You crazy media types don’t report the real story, you say things like Chelsea cannot defend when clearly the great issue of Gary Neville’s war crimes goes completely ignored.”

He added: “One day, he will climb inside your brain and then you won’t be laughing, you’ll be picking David Luiz in central defence.”

Film of Tories eating French food 'was not shot in the wild'

2011-12-13T13:47:00.000-08:00

A BBC report in which prominent Tory backbenchers appearing to quaff French champagne in the south of France was actually filmed in George Osborne's garden.

BBC spokesman Jo Gorbals said: "It would be far too dangerous to try this sort of filming in the wild. We would have our license fee revoked in days."

The footage was to feature in David Attenborough's next series, Incredibly Stupid Planet.

One of its strands is following a group of anti European Tories who spend most of their time holidaying in France while occassionally dressing up as Nazis.

Attenborough said: "The vast majority of this footage was taken on the scene as they go around French town drinking wine and eating nice ham.

"But we knew if they became aware of the filming, that they might act highly aggressively and sell us to Richard Desmond."

He added: "Instead, we went along to one of George's shindigs where it was very easy to get amazing shots of Europhiles quite clearly enjoying EU standardised croissants."

Large Hardon Collider identifies Nick Clegg

2011-12-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

A miniscule particle at the heart of 'everything' has been identified by the Extra Large Hardon Collider
as Nick Clegg.

Prime Minister David Cameron said: "I have been hearing this tiny, tiny whining, sort of whimpering. I am glad the great scientists down in Geneva were able to tell me what it was.

The Nick Clegg particle is the Holy Grail of physics, second only to bringing Johnny Ball's Think of a Number back on the telly

The Clegg particle is a virtually invisible mass which can only be seen in Belgium, usually crying.

Scientist Rose van Gurney said: "It holds all things together but nobody notices it. It can never grow bigger or attain any respect. Just saying."

Sun realises Leveson is brilliant for celeb interviews

2011-12-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

The Sun has realised that getting celebrity stories out of Leveson is far easier than phone hacking.

Reports Gaz Weatherspoon told Newsfox that attitudes toward the inquiry had dramatically changed in the newsroom.

He said: "We do not normally get this sort of access to Sienna Miller or Steve Coogan.

"Normally I have to hide in their toilets but in the last weeks all I have to do is sit in a nice chair. Sometimes, I can eat a bagel which is incredible really."

Senior executives believe there could now be a way to stave off press regulation.

James Murdoch said: "If Leveson goes on forever, we could maybe get Vernon Kay to talk about the trauma of those texts he sent or perhaps Wayne Bridge can give us a three page spread, sorry testify, on how terribly upsetting all that John Terry stuff was.

"We are prepared to give up on all celebrity journalism - we simply ask that David Sherbourne QC spend the rest of his life asking the mega rich how terrible it is to be mega rich. With pix."

Suez next on Tory backbenchers agenda

2011-12-11T14:03:00.000-08:00

Tory backbenchers want the UK to strengthen ties with the Dutch East India Company following the Great Victory in Brussels.

Victor Twendlebury-Fortune said: “Now that we have put those Austro-Hungarians back in their bayonets, it is time to improve our control over trading routes in the south-east section and action over Suez is long overdue.”

Meanwhile, Terry Bonstone-Churdler: “This reminds me of the time some cool working class kids told me to ‘piss off’ but I knew the I was the real winner.

“The Indians are rearing up at the moment we need them to get back into line. All these people saying they are a democratic country which is now in fact more powerful than we are just want to take a look out our Prime Minister trying to cadge a lift with the Turkmenistan delegation with effortless suck-upery.

“We Tories know what’s going on and we are not going to let these politically correct liberals continue to propagate the myth that we are a small island run by demented colonial fascists. Now, where is my African boy?”

Murderers to play in Europa League instead of being jailed

2011-12-11T14:00:00.000-08:00

Manchester judges are being told to force violent offenders to play in the Europa League under radical new plans.

The scheme was suggested by Manchester United commandante Alexei Fergusonov.

Fergusonov said: “You cannot have a worse punishment that being forced to play some of the best teams in Europe, in front of huge crowds, purely for money and glory. I feel sick just thinking about it.

“These players deserve the terrible punishment that will be visited upon them. No more Thursday Eastenders followed by trendy educational drama Waterloo Road.”

Fergusonov claimed that this terrifying prospect should now be used in the courts.

He said: “Who would sell heroin if they thought that would see them having to play left back in Chechnya on a Thursday night?”

ITV, meanwhile, are celebrating after proving their 75p outlay for the Europa League TV rights was well worth it, having now got the rights to show two of the world’s richest teams come the spring.

A spokesman said: “There are still a lot of people thinking about those two extra packets of Frazzles we might have bought.”

Chelsea boss insists he can get sack all on his own

2011-12-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

Andre Villas-Cluelass says he needs no help in getting the sack from Chelsea.

"People think because I have this big contract that it is not possible,” AVB said.

But he added that few considered just how bad Chelsea could be if they tried to play like Barcelona.

He said: “My next plans is to play Drogba, Torres and Anelka through the middle with total versatility. I am confident that makes no sense at all.”

The Chelsea boss said he was also planning a number of long treatises about conflicts of interests in Russian politics which were going to be published in the Daily Star sports section.

AVB said: “With the £210 million pay off I am going to buy Portsmouth. Not the football club, the town. I really think I can ruin the place.”

Lansley video loop patients told to stop watching News 24

2011-12-06T14:40:00.000-08:00

NHS patients furious about seeing an endless video loop of Andrew Lansley have been told they don’t have to watch News 24.

Bemused NHS spokesman Beryll Andy said: “I know their coverage isn’t always the most original in the world. We would suggest watching repeats of ER on Channel Four although this could lead to unrealistic expectations as NHS nurses aren’t as hot.”

Patient Bert Goose blasted: “Every five minutes the news gets interrupted by some boring old man spouting pre-prepared rubbish. I hate bloody Huw Edwards.”

News 24 insisted that it was helpless to control the number of pointless government press launches which it reported on.

A spokesman said: “Mr Lansley only featured in 34% of our news footage last week and that was mainly because he released a lot of press statements last week.

“Anyone would think journalists were supposed to pick stories according to their individual merits as opposed to just putting any old shit from the government on air to keep them sweet. This is public service broadcasting for crying out loud.”

Patients insist that they are simply not being considered in this.

Sarah Higgs: “I am sitting there watching the television, waiting for him to come on. I can’t enjoy anything because I know they are going to put him on, it is just a matter of time. It’s incredibly stressful.”

We'd have voted for women with great asses, say UK sports editors

2011-12-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

The BBC insists allowing sweaty, porn-obsessed fat blokes to choose the sports personality shortlist does not disadvantage women.

Spokesman Jo Gorbels said: “These guys are not only experts but they spend months analysing the strength and merit of each contender as well as assessing how competitive their respective sports are.

“And following that process, they made the fairly clear and obvious decision that Anna Kournikova was neither British or currently playing any sport.”

Lyell Bisset, editor of lads mag PotNoodle, said: “Yes all my nominations were men and yes they all play for Manchester United. But you really should not read anything into that.

“We looked back on our 2011 swimwear calendar and there was not one UK sportswoman to be seen, so this is not even an argument.”

Swimmer Rebecca Adlington said: “We demand the right to finish last in the public vote.”

Shock Wenger news: Frenchman sacks Gunners for not boosting ego

2011-12-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

Arsene Wenger is to sack Arsenal.

Wenger admitted that the club simply had not been performing to his expectations and was not meeting his minimum standards.

He said: “For many years, Arsenal was doing great by making my very half witted comment appear to be quasi philosophical genius.

“All I had to was wave some pasta around and I was lauded as a nutritional expert who changed or maybe revolutionised the game.”

Wenger claimed that Arsenal have become complacent over the years and simply not delivering the results his vast ego needed.

He said: “Arsenal just thinks the results it got me in the past are OK but what about the present?

“I need to move on or people will just think I am an immature sore loser who occasionally uses big words which he does not really understand such as ‘deficit’.”

The club confirmed the sacking and admit it will be tough finding a new ground.

Chairman Jimmy Krankie said: “I could swear the stadium was ours but there you go.”

Leveson press reform: let Dave Cameron read the news

2011-12-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

Lord Leveson plans to let David Cameron read the news from now on under press reform plans.

Leveson said that it was vital that the relatively tiny downside of having 12 homes, 138 cars and the complete absence of any financial worries had to be rectified.

“We have heard the traumatic stories of famous beautiful women ruthlessly pursued by the press and we were hugely persuaded by their dresses, sorry stresses,” he said.

“It is quite clear the wholly dangerous experience of allowing normal (ish) people like Andrew Marr and Sir David Dumbelby III to present the news has been a terrible idea.”

Leveson went on: “Given that our Prime Minister is such a knowledgeable fellow, why not let him read the news. I mean most of the news is about him so it really makes perfect sense. “

The inquiry has responded to concerns that the public are being ignored.

It is proposing that all news bulletins must provide 15 minutes of celebrity news each day.

Lord Leveson said: “Sienna is very keen to talk about her new perfumes. She has been perfectly radiant all week so that should make great television.”

Giant pandas can play for Scotland under 'bear creature' loophole

2011-12-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

Scotland boss Craig Levein says the two giant pandas in Edinburgh Zoo can play for Scotland.
Levein told reporters: "It is an understanding between the home nations and always has been. To say any different is utterly ludicrous.

"It quite clearly states bear-like creatures can opt to play for any of the home nations and it's already happened with John Wark."

Levein denied claims that his selections undermined the Scottish identity.

He hissed: "Of course they want to play for Scotland. The next thing you'll tell me is these things cannot think for themselves and are merely gambits in ceremonial diplomacy.

"They'll bring much needed athleticism to the squad and can play in a variety of positions although they tend to sit rather than stand but you can't be too choosy."

The pandas will not be the most rare species in the zoo.

That honour goes to Maurice Johnstone, a Scottish footballer who could actually score, and Alan Wells, the last Scotsman ever to run excluding those fleeing vegetarian restaurants.

Rioters fed up of being stopped by Guardian journalists

2011-12-06T03:34:00.001-08:00

People involved in the summer riots say being constantly asked why they do shit by weird people riding bicycles made them take to the streets.

Student Rik Sanders said: "I have been stopped by a Guardian journalists at least 13 times if not more.

"There is no appeals process, there is nothing you can do. I have not done anything wrong and yet every week I have to explain why being poor is rubbish."

He added: "I have asked them to stop but they have said I have to go through their Special Appeals Process which has been outsourced to Indian and is only contactable via an Ipad.

"You don't look good on the street and I am not sure these people wash."

Serial offender Jake Hares claimed this sort of thing only happened in poor neighbourhoods.

He said: "Nobody cares what is happening to us. These journalists are here every day, demanding to know what the cuts are doing. I keep telling them it just makes things crap but that's never enough for them .

"They keep asking whether I am ready to combust and mount another insurrection as a result of an elite which is seen as morally irrelevant.

"I shrug my shoulders and they seem to take that as a yes which I am sure is not in the PCC code."

He added: "I mugged one the other day and all I got out of him was a pen made out of recycled Bombay Mix."

Others in the area have noted that the sudden rise in stop-and-ruminate coincided with the fall of the Labour government.

Campaigner Bernie Castle said: "When Tony Blair was in power, I asked to people to come and report on the problems but they said they were too busy investigating whether Pot Noodles were sustainable."

Cameron says Clarkson execution plan too expensive

2011-12-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

David Cameron has distanced himself from his friend Jeremy Clarkson's plan to kill public sector workers after saying the guns and ammunition would cost too much.

Cameron, in a hard hitting interview with Gordon the Gopher, described the plans as "utterly ridiculous" and "not at all costed".

He said: "Jeremy knows that we are in an austere age. How much would it bloody cost to get an executioner in this day and age.

"Just because all the Libyans ones are unemployed right now does not mean they would not come over for less than £500 a day.

"I really think Jeremy need to stop coming up with these irresponsible ideas, Of course in a pefect world we'd do all these things and more."

Meanwhile union workers were also enraged after it emerged their subs were being spent on fruitless press releases.

Bob Dillnot said: "I cannot believe what Jeremy Clarkson said matters to my union. I thought they were here to get me more money not help promote Clarkson's new book."

Clarkson has refused to say sorry, adding: "I cannot say sorry but I can say thank you to Unison because now I won't bother with that 50k Facebook marketing spend. Cheers lads!"

Inaccurate cinema listings tragedy destroys family's Friday night, Leveson told.

2011-11-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

Stupendously well paid lawyers listened agog as brave Paul Doyle spoke of how his family were forced to watch Madonna and Guy Ritchie film Swept Away thanks to appalling press errors.

Mr Doyle said: "Thanks to the acts of despicable journalists I am now alone and have no contact with my children.

"It all related back to that day which then led to my inevitable descent into paedophilia and pot noodle addiction."

The inquiry was told that the Doyles believed they were going to see accurate wartime epic Pearl Harbour at popular Droylesden hangout, the Droylesden Glitzy.

"Everybody goes there," Doyle told an audience who were all watching Hugh Grant Newsnight clips.

He said that due to shocking mistakes in a free newspaper which he had found in a bin, they in fact arrived at the cinema only to find that there was to be no emotional roller coaster ride featuring Ben Affleck.

Mr Doyle said: "People think you can just have a Meat Feast pizza and then everything is OK. To be fair, it did help. I just want people to know that after that I simply felt that I had failed as a father and that led me to committing a series of despicable but totally understandable mistakes so thanks a lot the Wisbeach Shopper."

Black footballers ignore John Terry and shout abuse at man with Alzheimer's

2011-11-20T16:29:00.000-08:00

England’s black footballers have not reacted furiously after the England captain was not suspended over alleged racism.

Rio Ferdinand did not tweet his displeasure at John Terry rocking up to a press conference with a big fat grin on his face.

Instead, Ferdinand chose to slag off a demented old bloke who wanders round Zurich handing out berries to disgruntled teenagers.

Politicians queued up to slate this old man and completely ignore the England captaincy issue.

Prime Minister David Cameron said: “When you have to spend more than 100k in bribes to get a World Cup then you know there is a serious problem with corruption.

“Corruption must be fair. Now Sepp is getting a backlash and I would just associate myself with any hypocritical bile being spouted in Blatter’s direction.”

Players’ union representative Gordon Taylor: “We cannot condone misunderstood comments about racism unless, and only unless, the person that says it is worth at least £23m on the open market.”

Missiles to protect Olympic sychronised swimmers from enraged spectators

2011-11-20T16:27:00.000-08:00

Anyone who messes with synchronised swimmers is getting blown tae f@@k, the Defence Secretary has confirmed.

Surface to air missiles are among the weapons at the disposal of Olympic stewards to combat the mass rioting expected in 2012.

Lord Cojones said: “Listen, if you’d just paid £60 to watch people ponce around doing breast stroke patterns, wouldn’t you get mad?

“Now that we have tricked Britain into spending millions of pounds, we have to protect ourselves when they see the dross which they have paid to go to.”

He added: “Our stewards will be trained to handle the launchers against disturbances or any aeroplanes which look like they are trying to get a glimpse of the action for free.”

England footballers mark Armistice with hopeless battle

2011-11-20T16:25:00.000-08:00

England marked Armistice Day by sending more young ignorant men on a near impossible mission.

General Fabio Capello insisted his battalion’s mission was well defined and thoroughly planned out.

He insisted that his men had to go ‘over the top’ otherwise people might notice how bad at football they were.

He said: “Through Captain John Terry and Lieutenant Darren Bent, I have two great inspirational leaders who will rally the troops for at least 90 minutes of perpetual bombardment.

“The reward if we survive this is top return home to be slagged off for not counter attacking effectively.”

Journalists at the scene told a story of tragedy and devastation.

One wrote: “The Spaniards were brutal, bringing their iphones on to the field of play and scoring record points on Angry Bird while still knocking around triangles in the midfield.”

Another dispatch said: “They were so brave these young men. Despite the great folly of their leader General Capello, these men ran with intent and showed great time skill in dallying over throw ins.”

Protesters bring down wrong bunch of wankers

2011-11-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

The Occupy protesters have admitted bringing down the wrong unelected, unaccountable monotlithic establishment.

Gregan Shuke, who protest between 2-4pm on Thursdays, said: “We brought chaos, we forced resignations and and we shook the very roots of the establishment.

“Unfortunately it wasn’t the establishment that actually caused the banking crisis.”

Fellow protester Nicky Deale said: “I think there are just too many establishments really. I am going to see if we can protest about that as well.

“It is no doubt part of the conspiracy really. You attack something where power is being wielded indiscriminately and disproportionately and it ends up that you’ve just changed the rules on X Factor.”

The markets have responded positively to the latest developments.

Trader Dick Fleeting said: “I think the Pope should go too. Ultimately if you look at the bible, God is to blame for everything not casino banking.”

Graham Grey's parking ticket to be subject of UN intervention

2011-11-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

The UN is to mediate a parking dispute in Dunstable.

Council worker Graham Grey insists he only parked on a yellow line for a few seconds due to his incurable bladder problem which has been exhaustively analysed by the medical community.

But Basildon council has chosen to fine him £374,000 in a dispute which is making incredibly dull worldwide headlines.

Now Janus Pitarvsky, the UN's interferer-in-chief has stepped in to prevent a human rights catastrophe.

He said: "I have spoken to Bob at great length about this dreadful crisis which puts me at no personal physical risk whatsoever.

"I think peacekeepers can have a real role to play in this although the council told them to piss off yesterday and they unfortunately agreed."

The UN insisted the dispute is of huge importance as "parking makes a lot of people angry".

Mr Pitarksy said: "Reducing anger is a major priority for us now that we have given up on stopping wars."

Niall Quinn and Steve McClaren head up eskimo talent search

2011-11-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

Steve McClaren and Niall Quinn have gone scouting in Alaska, Newsfox understands.

Quinn has left his position as Sunderland chairman so that he can improve the club's 'talent recruitment pool'.

The genial Irishman said: "The people in America were absolutely delighted with my business plan which really focused around 'joiviality'.

"I really respect their views and they just felt the best place for me would be somewhere that has no digital communications facilities whatsoever."

The US based owners of Sunderland issued a statement which said: "We were expecting Mr Quinn's business plan to show a little more than 'let's just enjoy the crack lads'. Especially as we've lost 200 trillion dollars so far.

"Hopefully Niall can find the top players we need in Alaska and, failing that, maybe he'll get eaten."

Former England boss McClaren has also joined the exodus.

He said: "Football is in a transitional stage over there in that it does not actually exist. But the big challenge is going to be doing a bad impersonation of the accent."

May in trouble after anti-immigration stories prove slightly true

2011-11-10T15:04:00.000-08:00

Theresa May has been slated after it emerged her claims about a cat saving an immigrant from deportation contained a scintilla of truth.

Right wing papers and demented backbenchers were falling over themselves in apoplexy when it emerged that May was referring to a case that actually occurred in the physical world of objects.

Tory grandee Sir St John Johnson blasted: "When I heard this was an exaggerated version of something that actually happened, I spat out my scone on to my dog.

"Everybody knows that all anti Europe stories must be completely made up and ludicrous otherwise the idiots that normally believe them won't believe them."

He added: "What we want is stuff about the EU trying to make bananas straight or banning aeroplanes from having wings - all that stuff that they never ever do.

"People really like crazy vegetable rulings - it's the kind of thing people talk about every day but they won't if we aren't feeding them totally made up nonsense."

Liberals were also celebrating the gaffe by May.

Guardian Swede Jonatan Frejedlund said: "To suggest that a cat was crucial in preventing a deportation was a scandalous perversion of the truth.

"In fact the judge clearly stated that the cat was important insomuchas that proved the applicant was in a genuine relationship and so therefore the cat was very important indeed and we should congratulate Mrs May on getting her facts right which will not do at all."

Fat wasters from 'Spoons say they are ready to go to Mars

2011-11-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

Six unemployed lardboys who have spent the last six years in Weatherspoons have been selected to participate in the UK mission to Mars.

The head of the UK space agency Neville Cast said: "For a long time we considered that the key thing about getting to Mars was putting together a neat spacecraft or figuring out the speed of light.

"But now our Russian colleagues have shown great visionary pioneership but working out the key to Mars is figuring out how long blokes can 'sit around' for."

British space expert Pete Nole explained: "This is totally far out...Sorry I meant to say Mars is far outwith our primitive technological capabilities which preclude us from getting to Birmingham by train without boarding an impromptu bus service half way through.

"But we are absolutely brilliant at 'sitting around' and of course we plotted course for Planet Spoons."

Bob Terbury is among those who have been selected, with experts suggesting he could gp 3.4m years without a meaningful conversation.

He told the world's media: "I like snooker."

Greeks 'don't fancy' £86bn quid and ask for book tokens

2011-11-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

Greece have responded to the offer of £86bn quid by saying ‘naaaaaaaaah’.

Speaking from a brothel, the Greek PM George Papandreou said: “Don’t want 86 billion quid. That’s rubbish.”

The markets reacted to the statement by going mental.

Pappandreou: “Yeah, I mean it’s a nice offer and all that but where would we put it and shit like that. There is a real scarcity of cupboard space in my mansion right now.”

Germany and France are now attempting to sweeten the deal so that the Greeks accept.

Among the proposals under considerations are ‘more episodes of the Simpsons in Greek' and “samosas”.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said: “It is of course the right of Greece not to accept an offer to have all our money, that is absolutely fine and right in our democracy and brotherhood.

“However, you would normally associate an offer of this type with orgies, drink and other types of irresponsible expressions of happiness so we really do not understand. Further negotiations and bombs may be needed."

Saliva tidal wave destroys Manchester after sporting occasion

2011-11-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

Manchester has been destroyed by a tidal wave of Scottish spittle.

The bizarre event took lace some time after 1800 on Sunday, shortly after a major sporting event.

PC Bas Turgood said: “The football organisations based in Manchester were involved in a pre arranged meeting on Sunday afternoon, known to the public as a ‘match’.

“Shortly after said event, we became aware of a man producing a vast amount of mucas and saliva.”

Police made attempts to reason with the man.

PC Turgood went on: “He simply ignored us and went into a long speech which few of us understood.

“The phrases ‘suicidal offside trap’ and ‘wur no fuckin newcastle’ were about the only things we could discern.”

Scientists and rescue workers tried to contain the spittle but it simply overflowed, effectively burying Manchester.

PC Turgood: “This is a salutary warning about the dangers of full backs pushing on and we would urge everyone to watch the police video When Full Backs Push On.”

Switch politicians, cash strapped Britons told

2011-11-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

Chris Huhne has urged people to switch politicians more as an answer to rising costs.

Huhne said: “It is not the easy answer people want to hear but they need to look at alternatives and take action.

“There are alternative politicians out there who are offering voters much more attractive deals such as high taxes on rich twats like me and better protection against mass redundancies.”

However consumer champions Witch? criticised Huhne.

They said: “These politicians Huhne is talking about died about 60 odd years ago and were all corrupt.”

Huhne added: “Just saying that there was not a choice at this so called ‘election’ is just moaning.

“If you are not happy with your choices then you have to go out into the world, raise millions of pounds and then win the hearts and minds of the population. Just watch a bit less television, you’ll be amazed how much extra time you will have.”

Cable says sorry after paper showed he paid tax

2011-11-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

Vince Cable has apologised to Tory colleagues after it emerged he paid tax.

Coalition tensions are thought to have hit new heights after the revelation, with Tories incredulous that a fellow colleague could behave in such a manner.

A Tory spokesman said: “Mr Cable does seem to be struggling with the basic principles of being part of a Tory government.

“The principle of collective irresponsibility has been at the core of the Tory party for centuries.”

Prime Minster Dave Cameron said: “Has he not bloody heard of Switzerland? Thanks to the end of the exes scam, some of us are only earning 200k.

“Mr Sarkozy and Mr Berlusconi would just laugh at us if we paid tax on such a paltry sum.”

“We were able to surmount our differences over piffling issues such as human rights and tuition fees. But paying tax – do we not like that!”

“Clearly, we have disciplined Mr Cable for a breach of the establishment code. It may seem harsh but it’s a slippery slope and we could all end up being accountable to British law before long.”

A statement issued by Cable said: “I know I have let a lot of accountants down and I hope my actions do not lead to Tory MP’s having to re-register their off shore companies.”

Wikipedia to become boyband and launch Xmas chart push

2011-11-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Wikipedia is to become a boy band due to ongoing financial problems.

The site’s mastermind Julian Asslaunch explained there were now great challenges lying ahead in his ongoing battle for popularity, sorry exposing the truth.

Asslaunch said: “People have accused me of endangering lives by sending out unredacted cables of sensitive information.

“But what is my unredacted arsehole going to do? I will tell you, a whole lot that’s what.”

He added: “X Factor is a true democracy where any person can put themselves forward, even if they wear gold sequined pants with a gaping hole for the bottom.”

Asslaunch explained that the move was entirely in keeping with the Wikileaks project.

He said: “I want to expose the truth and now I expose my body. Someday, I just hope to expose a vast picture of myself across the whole world which can block out the sun.”

The new pop ban will work with pop mogul Norma Tebbit and their first single ‘Bastard Guardian, why can’t I write editorials?’ will be released this week.

Amanda Knox case 'depends on whether she is a bitch'

2011-10-23T12:30:00.001-07:00

The judge in the Amanda Knox trial has told the jury that the case rests on whether or not you think she might be a massive bitch.

Italy has been spellbound by a case in which jurors will not have to fear for their lives if they pass guilty verdicts, a legal first in the country.

Antonio Pozzi told jurors: "Unfortunately the prosecution has either lost the evidence, forgotten passwords to files or simply don't know where they put stuff.

"However in Italy, when there is no evidence, we do the logical next step which is just get the lawyers to abuse each other."

He went on: "The crux of the case is this. Is Amanda Knox a sexy but slightly crazy woman with dark ideas which are nonetheless sexy.

"Is she one of those enigmatic girls that would be cool to go out with for a little while but in the end you never know where you stand? If the answer is yes, then she can be guilty of whatever you want because we know these type of girls are crazy, the new witches."

The judge explained that Knox could only be innocent if the jury was convinced that she was in fact persecuted because she was white and rich but yet doing weird shit.

He said: "Maybe Amanda in truth is really OK. She will make you Apple Pie eventually, just you need a little coaxing first. If she isn't a player trying to make us guys look stupid then I am happy that we can let her off."

Tevez to be split up and sold on transplant markets

2011-10-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

Carlos Tevez is to be sold for scrap in the north African organ donor market, Manchester City have confirmed.

City have denied Tevez's claims that a heated discussion about Curly Watts from Coronation Street was mis-interpreted as a refusal to come on.

Tevez said: "I could not believe Mancini when he said that Curly should come back. He was a stupid character and I told him so. He thought I was refusing to come on but I would never do that. I always come on so that I can sulk and make everyone see what an asshole I am."

Man City are to continue to investigate claims made by Tevez's agent suggesting that Carlos Tevez simply does not exist.

Super agent Kia Joorbachian claimed: "Who is this Carlos Tevez. Was he really on this thing you call a bench? And does this really help to pay for my daily diet of rare welks?"

The City board have insisted that they are in no way confused, bewildered or delusional.

Owner Sheik Stevens, speaking from what appeared to be a bin, said: "I do honestly believe that Carlos Tevez exists. But we must investigate all possibilities – everybody can make mistakes. Now, I must find more catfood."

It is thought Tevez's lungs and heart could raise millions on the open market, although his brain will only be sold on a two-for-one basis.

Judge forgets Amanda Knox is not in the mafia

2011-10-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

The judge in the Amanda Know case wants a retrial after realising he would not have got shot for passing down a guilty verdict.

Judge Federico Schillacci said: "It is very hard to remember that this case had nothing to do with mafia nutcases, just some attractive gap year students.

"The Italian justice system default is to acquit. It is in our DNA although of course we have no way of proving that as we always screw up collecting it.

"I told Amanda she was innocent, thinking 'thank God, I will not get a horse's head in my bed'. Then somebody told that this would never have happened because the new mafia calling card is simply to send a picture of one of Sylvio Berlusconi's hookers, which is obviously worse."

Judge Schillacci said that had he jailed Knox, his safety would still have been compromised.

He said: "I might not have had the mafia after but Oprah would have been. Her big fat ass could make a great darkness in life although it would also be pleasurable."

Man who slightly redesigned hard drive replaces God

2011-10-23T12:26:00.001-07:00

The man who did not really invent a host of dubiously priced gadgets has officially replaced God.

Steve Jobs , famed for saying that ludicrous mark ups, Chinese slave labour and aggressive psycho-sematic marketing were life's greatest inventions, changed the world by making human conversation virtually redundant.

He also helped to make 8 bit computer games cool and ensured a generation of music fans could listen to albums they now hated.

World leaders such as Bark O'Bama said Jobs was so much better than God.

O'Bama said: "Jobs was amazing. He actually bothered to try and invent something instead of eating chips or parasitically feeding off pre-existing oligarchies.

"He was so much better than God. With the iphone, I can look at my fridge from anywhere – and I mean anywhere – in my kitchen."

God issued a statement apologising for his ineptitude.

He said: "I thought rolling green hills and extraordinary wildlife was a pretty damn good invention but to be fair you cannot beat a jumping digital bird. I fully accept defeat and I wish I had followed the advice of an old sage who told me, 'waterfalls are dull".

Gaddafi victims celebrate in Downing Street nuke bunker

2011-10-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

Innocent, naive victims of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi - such as Tony Blair and David Cameron - have been celebrating his death.

Blair said: "For years, this evil man took advantage of people too feckless and hopeless to fight back, like me and my pal David Cameron.

"We were fed propaganda for years that ole Muammar would play along and let us get the oil while we let him beat people up in basements."

Blair said he was mesmerised by the combination of incessant farting and gruyere cheese in a north African tent.

Blair went on: "He just wowed you with a certain presence, a certain charisma, a certain number of gun toting maniacs standing behind him."

Cameron echoed those sentiments, saying the reign of terror was over.

He said: "Finally it is safe to go in the street for thousands of foreign office diplomats. Colonel Gadaffi threatened to beat up a lot of people in Westminster and that is a health and safety nightmare.

"It has been terrible for us watching him blatantly ignoring our carefully crafted gentleman's agreements. It has been very difficult to make a credible statement on foreign policy with bloody 'daffers' Gadaffi cackling away in Tripoli like a piff-paff biddler."

He added: "This brutal dictator played fast and loose with the ambigeous and morally neutral double dealings of various intelligence agencies.

"He rode roughshod over the core principles of liberal democracies, that is to not make a Tory look really stupid in public. It is a mercy he is dead."

David Cameron and George Osborne join Occupy London

2011-10-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

David Cameron and George Osborne have joined the Occupy London protests, demanding an end to bankers ruining everything.

Cameron said: "Those bankers are a bloody nightmare, they have ruined my life. Because of them, I cannot cut taxes for private schools, build more jails or blow up Iran.

"These are basic things that any Tory Prime Minister should be able to do and I am so pissed off about this."

He added: "We want the bankers to take responsibility for what they did or at least return my phone calls - we need at least another ten bob to keep the local hospital open."

Osborne added: "We ordinary helpless politicians need to be protected from people like Fred the Shred. I think the time has come when world leaders and army commanders-in-chief are going to stop being door mats and demand action by taking a picnic to St Paul's and politely chanting."

Liam Fox broke the ministerial code but is completely innocent

2011-10-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

Liam Fox is facing calls to join a secretive missiles company.

Opposition figures and journalists said it was totally unacceptable for the defence secretary to go on earning pittance as a government minister, after it emerged he was involved in something that nobody really understood apart from the fact that it was definitely bad.

Labour's Harriett Sermon said: "We call on Liam Fox to leave government forthwith and do the honourable thing.

"Britain will be a much better place with a former defence secretary passing on god knows what to various Middle East defence firms."

In a letter to Fox, David Cameron said: "You have taken responsibly for your error by agreeing to triple your salary for doing half the work. Britain can be truly proud."

Five year old boy to take over London Olympic Stadium

2011-10-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

A little boy called Johnny Brown, 5, is to move into the Olympic Stadium so he can play with his truck, organisers have confirmed.

West Ham and Spurs had been front runners to occupy the structure but its white elephant design appears to become a stumbling block.

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp said: "You cannot play football inside an elephant, people have known that since the 1960s but it always keeps coming back. I really don't know why."

There has been a further legal dispute over the stadium after it emerged the bidding process may have unfairly favoured West Ham.

An Olympics spokesman said: "Just because the bid committee were all wearing full West Ham kit, including shorts and shin pads, does not mean that the process did not have integrity. We tried to find some Spurs mugs but there were none in the West Ham shop and Tim Sherwood was not around either."

With the plans in chaos, Johnny Brown's late bid has gained sudden momentum with bureaucrats who want more time to look at the Internet.

Mr Brown said: "Trucks are really cool and so are yellow birds. Mummy does not like the truck because I throw it at the cat sometimes."

Euro ministers loiter outside Bill Gates's house with large bags

2011-09-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

European finance ministers have asked Bill Gates when he normally takes the dogs out.

A spokesman for the European Union insisted the question came merely via some small talk at a party.

But Mr Gates claimed: "I could not really say it was small talk. There was a guy who sounded incredibly posh that pushed me up against a wall.

"He told his name was George and then told me he was Nick Clegg. They both sound kinda dumb names."

Gates was then asked how much money he kept at home and when he normally leaves for dogwalking in the morning.

Just hours later, ministers revealed they had identified large sums of money for an economic cash injection.

"I do not understand these insinuations," German Chancellor Angie Merkel said. "This mask and crowbar are entirely appropriate for the sport of curling which I practise a great deal."

Merkel later confirmed she had mis-spoke and meant bear-baiting.

Drunk Geordies forced to wear full body veils

2011-09-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

The full veil controversy has deepened after Newcastle passed a bye law to force all drunk woman to wear one.

The image conscious council said it was vital for inward investment that the city's famed reputation for female overexposure was drastically reduced.

The city mayor Joey Pipe said: "Everybody knows that China and India have all the money now.

"But whenever a delegation come over they are literally sickened when they see all that gratuitous beaver and kebab belly lining our fair streets. I think the time has come to impose full veils."

He added: "I do understand that the veils may not have been worn for this purpose in the past but we have to evolve and learn from each other's cultures."

People on the city's streets were divided by the news.

Leanne Gardiner said: "Well the whole thing brings up a series of issues related to religion, self determination and multi culturalism.

"But most importantly, it's going to be well hard to pull."

Terry Batts offered a different view saying: "Aye, I think it's about time to be honest. It is going to make the morning after a lot better for us lads if these girls have to be covered up all the time."

Wenger rubbishes Gadaffi defeat claims

2011-09-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

Arsene Wenger has insisted Colonel Gadaffi could regain control of Libya.

Wenger said: "Why do people think that just because he has lost all support that it means he cannot return?

"This is just typical. He has been in control for many years and people think he is just going to go away without a fight and manage Paris St Germain!! Well, that is not going to happen."

He added: "Colonel Gadaffi may not have the resources of other people like this Barack Mancini or whatever his name is, but I am sure he has a core of young men who will die for him, who will give everything and prove everybody wrong."

The Frenchman said it was wrong to write off people just because everything was going wrong.

He said: "OK, so Gadaffi is no longer is in control but I am sure he has many other important things like memories...ugh....suits...and...OH God, somebody sign me Eden Harzard, I do anything-" (Interview suspended)

Mr Wenger later clarified his position by stating his belt fell down by accident.

REM to go drilling for oil in Africa

2011-09-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

Rock giants REM have split up to start a multinational petro-chemical firm.

Singer Michael Stipend explained: "The field of rock has become too conservative and restraining.

"We wanted to go and do something where there are no restrictions, no rules. Some kind of thing which allows us total freedom."

He added: "So, in the end, we decided to use all the band money to go drilling for oil in a really beautiful piece of African forest.

"Ultimately, we feel this is a great direction for the REM brand to go in as maybe we won't have to go on MTV, jump around on stages and pretend to know what the environment is. We just want to fuck and have sex so this seems like the best way to do that."

Stipend is also planning to sell arms to Saudi Arabia and "regularly fire an airgun".

Getting high at conference legalised by Libdems

2011-09-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

Liberal Democrats have voted to legalise drugs at party conferences.

Lib Dem drugs expert Gabe Slack explained: "We need to accept that we are fighting a losing battle here.

"Delegates have been using drugs for years at conference. How the hell else do you get through two hours of Paddy Ashdown?"

Slack claimed that the process of criminalisation was simply filling prisons with people who could not decide whether they were capitalists or socialists.

He added: "People need rehabilitation not punishment. They are having to deal with the fact that they have become sex mules for a bunch of boarding school prefects.

"And when you are trying to come up with policies that appeal to middle managers in the South East, as well as hip students, then acid is incredibly useful."

Andy Murray strike threat finally shits up the Tories

2011-09-23T14:20:00.001-07:00

The Government is to activate its Emergency plan after it emerged windbag Andy Murray is going on strike.

Ministers had been relaxed about plans for a national strike as they all use private healthcare and education.

Francis Maude explained: "Bloody Andy Murray cannot go on strike. That is hitting directly at the heart of upper class relaxation time and could quite literally ruin the post-supper chilling that is so vital to us.

"After messing up the economy so much, we really are stressed enough as it is. This simply will not do."

Emergency measures could see Jeremy Bates and Steve Davis play tiddly winks on ESPN.

Murray himself has launched a scathing attack on injustice in society.

He said: "You have got teachers who cannot afford homes, poorly paid council workers who cannot even eat three meals a day.

"We, as multi-billionaire tennis players, totally empathise. I cannot afford the necessary 39 homes required for a professional tennis player due to the amount of tournaments and I rarely eat three meals because our chef on my private jet only makes haute cuisine. I want bloody chicken nuggets."

Harry Redknapp to focus on qualifying for Europa League

2011-09-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

Harry Redknapp has admitted he will play reserves in the Europa League as he focuses on his bid to qualify for the Europa League.

Redknapp explained: "Listen I have got a massive league game on Saturday and it is vital that we qualify for European football.

"So really, I cannot be bothered with distractions such as European football. It is a complete waste of time. I think we are playing bloody Sham 69 this time round. We want to be playing massive clubs like Wigan Rovers and West Bromwich Athletic."

Redknapp insisted the focus had to be on making excuses for not getting into the Champions League.

He said: "I need the midweek dates to really develop those excuses. Management can't be all about finishing 34 points behind Manchester United."

Libyans celebrate freedom waving 'Cameron is great' placards

2011-09-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

Libyans have celebrated freedom by chanting and clapping men they have never heard of.

Said Anwar told Newsfox: "The Gaddafi era was terrible. We had these terrible placards with these old fonts no-one uses any more. The humiliation of waving something in Times New Roman was hard to bear.

"They were also very hard to carry when you have also got a tonne of rice on your head."

Mr Anwar said that he had hoped Mr Cameron was going to be bringing large amounts of medicine and aid with him.

He added: "Instead we got these new placards which to be fair are very good. They are much lighter and can be used as mats."

McCoist and Lennon row over Metro

2011-09-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

Ally McCoist has angrily accused Neil Lennon of stealing his copy of the Metro.

McCoist insisted he was only half way through reading a story about Sudan's brainiest goat when he left the free newspaper on a chair while awaiting a meeting at SFA headquarters.

He insists that Lennon then swiped it in order to undermine his authority.

McCoist said: "It was quite clearly my copy as it had been thumbed. Everybody knows Metro etiquette. You never pick a thumbed copy lying on a chair, absolutely no civilised person would do that."

Lennon countered: "The Metro is free for the love of God. You cannot own air, you cannot own nature, you cannot own God and no, Ally McCoist, you will never own the Metro because it is a free living thing that can make its own choices.

"I have a right to read about Sudanese goat marriage. Absolutely no-one can take that away from me."

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has called an inquiry into the situation, which means all economic reforms and cuts related issues will be put on the backburner.

Capello's excessive talking worries wasted England players

2011-09-12T15:46:00.000-07:00

Drunk England players have told Fabio Capello to curb his excessive talking habit.

The disciplinarian Italian was locked in a box and had mashed banana shoved into his ears after attempting to stop his players sharing a bottle of meths following their dire performance against Wales.

Capello has also spoken of his fears for striker Andy Carroll, who increasingly looks like that he may come from Newcastle.

Defender John Terry said: "We are all worried about Andy and his lifestyle.

"He hasn't even got a criminal conviction yet. Right now, I am not sure what the boy would do if we had 'group sex', if you know what I mean.

"He just wants to play football – which is very weird and the reason nobody likes him."

The FA insisted that the episode had in no way affected Capello’s standing with the team.

Capello issued a statement which said: “I know this is just a tradition and ritual, it is completely normal for players to act like this when they have no respect for a manager who visibly does not care."

Blair was ready to just blow things up himself if needed

2011-09-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

Tony Blair was so hyped after 9/11 that he came close to just blowing things up himself.

In a candid interview to mark the 9/11 anniversary, Blair admitted that he was concerned over the political response to the attacks.

He said the key text which influenced him at the time was the work of George P Cosmatos, the director of acclaimed war movie, Rambo.

Blair said: "Yes, we had the Iraq war and that was obviously important. But I started to wonder whether that was enough.

"I felt that the nation's safety, in fact really the safety of all humans living on Earth was effectively my responsibility."

He added: "Then every time I saw a plane, I just thought that could be another bomb. Panic filled every orifice. So I just decided to go out and by my own personal surface to air missile launcher which is very easy to get if you hang around with Republicans.

"My plan was just to shoot down any aircraft that looked like it was not flying right. I said to George W, 'Only me and you understand the problems. We can't rely on the army or all these water boarders in Cuba. We just need to keep blowing up aircrafts until we feel better about stuff'".

Blair said that there was no further contact with Bush after that conversation, citing 'internet problems' at the White House.

He also admitted that the constant discussion of terrorism, "started to make him dream of blowing stuff up".

Blair said|: "It is hard not to get caught up in all that stuff and you just end up seeing these big explosions and thinking to yourself, 'Coooooooooool'. Perhaps I should have stayed off the dooby."

In the end he did not follow through with his plan, after becoming distracted by trying to buy cheap Swedish furniture on eBay.

Even at the high point of financial collapse, Alistair Darling remained dull

2011-09-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

Sensational new memoirs have revealed that even during the financial apocalypse, Alistair Darling continued to have a massively boring life.

In his new book, Darling explains that his relationship with Gordon Brown broke down after both men realised they had not spoken to each other for about 35 years.

Darling also described how he felt as banks collapsed.

He said: "I just remember thinking., 'should I get a brown suit?'. Mervyn King was sweating and telling me that we might have to mobilise the army if one of these banks actually went bust. I said the word 'fiscal' a lot before returning to my thoughts about pencils."

His book goes on to reveal that the crisis changed Darling's perspective on the world.

He said: "I realised that, quite fundamentally, even if we lived in a Mad Max style society where tribes warred against each other using retro-futurist technology, I would still just be sat there going on about painting fences or, more accurately, the regulation of painting fences. And the weird thing is, there won't even be any fences. "

There were also huge bouts of rage from Gordon Brown to contend with too.

He said: "Some of the briefings against me went too far. When he said I my forecasts had failed to taken into account mid-year currency weakening in the emerging economies' agricultural sectors, it was like a dagger had been splayed through my Fred Flintstone calculator. Thankfully, that was a metaphor."

Footballers missing after being sent on panic flights by crazed agents

2011-09-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

Panicking agents have lost 300 footballers following the transfer window.

With chaos unfolding as the transfer window neared its end, it is believed that many stressed agents simply put their clients on flights to Hungary.

Agent Danny Flick said: "I was just getting so stressed. My boy just kept ringing me saying, 'Where am I going?, Where am I going?'

"I just didn't know what to do. I packed him off to Budapest and said I had engineered a massive multi million deal with new Abramovich. The thing is, I don't think he even likes Ghoulash."

Flick added: "What was I supposed to tell the poor kid? That he has got to stay at Wigan and earn £60k per week. I could not be having that."

It is thought hundreds of other footballers were also packed off on to flights.

Agent Wysh Merry said: "Listen, however unlikely it may be, if that boy steps out of that airport and gets signed, we still get a cut.

"I had a lad who was homeless for four years until someone noticed he was half decent at footy. OK, he only ended up part time in the Romanian Shepherds League but I still got three grand out of it after a 19-year legal battle."

Jonathan Ross says he was not overwatched at BBC

2011-09-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

Jonathan Ross has insisted that he was not overwatched during his controversial BBC career.

He said: "There were a few million drunk people on a Friday night who decided to watch me make an idiot of David Cameron because they'd just sat on their Simpsons DVD or, worse still, eaten it.

"The vast majority of the country thought I was a stupid pillock."

He added: "I could have gone to another channel and I could have lost them a lot more viewers, but I would not then have made my indelible mark on history by beginning the slow death of public service broadcasting."

Ross said he did not understand those who accused him of greed.

He added: "I could have made millions more elsewhere but I delayed that for at least two years to see how many times I could wind up Mark Thompson. Being at the BBC gave me the chance to be totally banal and yet still get in the Daily Mail.

"I am not sure how to be controversial on ITV. I might have to resort to wordplay."

BBC begging means monosyllabic Glaswegian grunting is to return

2011-08-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

Alex Ferguson has agreed to do BBC interviews again to get one final chance to make John Motson wee himself.

Ferguson said: "There are some very simple pleasures in life. Not picking Dimitar Berbatov. Letting Arsenal have 80% of the ball and still not score. And glaring at wee John Motson.

"He is the sort of guy that is always five minutes away from crying. My career is coming to an end so I want to make sure I have a few chances left to scare the shite out of the statty bastert."

BBC Director General Mark Thompson broke off negotiations over BBC jobs to go and beg Sir Alex to reconsider his decision.

In a statement the BBC said: "We are delighted that it only took four years of begging to get Alex Ferguson to lift the BBC ban. We are very sorry for breaking BBC rule, 233B, which clearly states 'the BBC promises never to upset Alex Ferguson because he is a scary Scottish bastert'."

"Web viewers will now be able to enjoy Alex's monosyllabic grunts for many years to come until the next piece of perfectly reasonable journalism which he objects to."

Wenger unveils busking plan to inflate transfer war chest by 9p

2011-08-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

Arsene Wenger is to play his ukulele in Waterloo every Thursday evening in a bid to sign more players.

Wenger insists he is totally calm and told reporters that he can cope with the demands of modern music.

He said: "People say that my transfer strategy is crazy but I tell you that I am developing something that will attract the dubstep people and the garage rock indie kids.

"You underestimate me and my instrument. I need to make £14m in two weeks but all the drunks around the station said I have a great chance with my tunes. I am a boss and the daddy. I will be sick too."

Wenger also rampaged back at the press who claim that his team have no natural leaders.

He said: "We are in for someone who has tremendous leadership credentials. If anyone knows Colonel Muammar Gaddafi's phone number then please pass it on.

"If we bring this guy in, then who the fuck is going to mess with us?"

Spurs spend millions to make Luka Modric smile again

2011-08-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

Big Brother's Amy Childs is to be signed by Spurs to cheer up Luka Modric.

Boss Harry Redknapp said it was the only decent thing to do as it becomes clear that the Croatian is going to spend the next year being a star player for a top side in the world's richest football league.

Redknapp said: "We will do absolutely everything for Luka. He is such a lovely lad but, quite understandably, he is really upset that he is not getting every single thing that he wants. Every night, I cry for what the boy has gone through.

"Obviously Amy has real talent and I think Luka is going to love being alongside her, in the dressing room and anywhere else he fancies. We will just do anything for the boy, really anything at all – human sacrifice, funny faces, whatever the boy wants."

However sources close to Modric say the player is refusing to get out of bed and his family is maintaining a bedside vigil.

A family member said: "We think the United Nations should get involved. Luka is being held like a prisoner. He is like a possession. He has no freedom, especially until his private jet is fixed.

"All he wants to do is earn £250k a week and have more freedom to get forward. And more diamonds. Really, is that a lot to ask?"

War cool again with liberals after Libya triumph

2011-08-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

Blowing the shit out of stuff is good again, liberals have confirmed.

It had been thought that dropping bombs from planes on countries that you don't know too much about was rather bad following massive amounts of death in Afghanistan and Iraq.

But Labour chief squib Ed Moribund led a chorus of approval at the latest half-arsed intervention in Libya.

He said: "I have said all along that the Iraq war was the wrong thing to do because it was quite clearly rejected by my focus group in Worcestershire.

"But what we have seen is that the maiming of women and children can still get you a decent newspaper headline and it is vital that we do not forget this point."

He added: "What is absolutely vital now is that the Libyans who take over get all the blame for whatever happens in the post Gaddafi era. We must learn from Iraq, we must not get blamed."

Simeon Kantwell, writing in the Guardian, said: "What Libya proves is that dropping bombs is perfectly fine, especially if you can get rid of somebody like Gadaffi and create a giant political vacuum which you then conveniently ignore. In any case, the key issue really is where the hell is John Simpson?"

Tony Blair echoed these sentiments, stating: "My big regret with Iraq is that we didn't just nuke the place. That would have created a lot of peace."

Meaningless form welcomes Tracy Emin to Downing Street

2011-08-21T14:55:00.000-07:00

An incomprehensible and overpriced artefact whose status is entirely defined by a self serving elite is to be given something by Tracy Emin.

David Cameron will receive one of Emin's famed 'neon signs', which will be used to denote entry to Downing Street's upper wing which is to be converted into a makeshift prison to deal with rioters' dogs.

However critics have slammed the plans, insisting that it was ridiculous to have such a meaningless object in Downing Street at a time of national crisis.

They described Emin's sculpture as 'quite nice' however.

The Daily Mail's Richard Littlebrain thundered: "I cannot believe tax dollars is being wasted on this bizarre installation.

"It has been there for months but God knows what it is supposed to be. One day it seems to be some sort of statesman the next it looks like some hilarious puppet shouting out Daily Express slogans."

Prime Minister Cameron said: "This sign is absolutely required after we decided to remove all pets from anyone connected to the riots to make these people understand that what they did was wrong and possibly even cry a little bit.

"A lot of these pets look rather scary though so we may need Miss Emin to walk and feed them too."

Rumours that Oasis might make new argument next year

2011-08-19T12:10:00.000-07:00

Oasis could be set to launch a new feud early next year, reports have suggested.

Fans have been desolate after the band said they could no longer make new feuds due to a total absence of any actual personal animosity.

Noel Gallagher told Newsfox: "Everybody knows how much we were struggling towards the end. We had to start arguing about hair and Waitrose. It was really tough.

"But we have all had time away from each other and now I think maybe we can start over and have some right good barneys."

Brother Liam however was not so optimistic.

He said: "The fans are going to want to us to do it, then split up then shag each other's missuses.

"I blame Hollyoaks. You use to be able to argue about coats and stuff but that is not post modern enough for this generation. It always has to be about sex or something."

Music expert Jo Whiney said: "One day, fans are going to have to accept that Oasis get on. It is tough but that is the way it is."

Riot woman heroine who turned out to be murderer to receive George Cross

2011-08-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

A woman hailed a hero for defending her shop in the riots actually murdered 700 looters...and is now to receive the George Cross.

Lucinda Healy-Green owns a hemp basket shop in Clapham which angered rioters whose Google Map apps were telling them it was a trainer store.

Following deranged news reports, Healy-Green was declared a heroine after video showed her fending off 'hoodies' by using swords made from tofu.

However, police have now confirmed she subsequently began firing at them using a collection of illegally obtained Russian firearms which she was selling from her basement.

Prime Minister David Cameron said this was clearly a grave new twist which had to be dealt with immediately.

He said: "We all thought this woman stood up for British values. But we just didn't know how much!

"What a ruddy, bloody leg end. I which I had someone like that as my deputy rather than that whimpering fool Clegg."

Cameron went on: "Of course normally we would have concern about the mass killing of 700 people but we are talking about people who nicked sweat bands here for God's sake. No society can accept that sort of behaviour."

Right wing papers show pictures of nice foreigners

2011-08-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

Ethnic minority pupils have achieved disproportionate success at getting their pictures in the Daily Telegraph this year.

The Telegraph, and a number of other right wing newspapers, were filled with pictures of smiling students in what was once known as A Level results day but has now become known as 'Occasionally Foreigners Are All Right Day".

Right wing nutcases welcomed the statistics, saying that it proved when foreigners made an effort to look British they were always more photogenic.

Education minister Michael Gove said: "It is fantastic to see ethnic minority pupils doing so well in publications which normally only talk about ethnic people in relation to sex crime and murder.

"It is important to remember that minorities are portrayed positively one day a year and that is really more than they deserve given all the trouble they have caused."

Riots caused by disappointment of Daily Star Sunday

2011-08-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

Nearly all those involved in the riots had been driven into a rage by the crapness of the Daily Star Sunday, emergency research suggests.

Dr Belliam Throp, of the Huddersfield University of Communities, explained: "Since the News of the World closed a lot of people have had their Sunday routines seriously disturbed.

"The News of the World was an essential tool in making people feel better about themselves. They would read great tales about footballers who couldn't get it up or actors using 74-year-old hookers who were also their mothers."

Researchers suggested that these stories made people feel weirdly superior and not all unhappy about getting paid £7 an hour to clean up bankers' shit and reprocess it into what is commonly known as a 'Big Mac'."

Dr Throp went on: "However now people are reading the Daily Star Sunday and that is a totally different ball game.

"They don't even try on this newspaper and people aren't stupid. This newspaper picks on celebrities that either need the publicity or cannot afford to sue.

"It is made up but badly made up. It's like heroin without the Irn Bru in it. It just don't work."

The report concluded that this created a catastrophic swelling of rage in the brains of readers as they lost that crucial 'superiority feeling' and instead felt like they had simply been drenched by the excess wetness in Richard Desmond's ears.

Dr Throp said: "Which naturally led them to trash JD sports."

Wenger promises new excuses before transfer window closes

2011-08-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

Arsene Wenger has promised a host of new excuses will be brought in before the next transfer window.

The Frenchman at first attempted to fend off questions about Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri at his press conference.

But then, while appearing to be suspiciously eyeballing the front cover of the Daily Telegraph, Wenger said: "Yes, well it has nothing to do with the club..or ambition...it's the...parents..isn't it.

"Yes the parents, that's exactly it. They have not brought their children up the right way. They are obsessed with success rather than technically proficient 0-0 draws.

"The parents must take more responsibility in convincing their children to do completely the wrong thing and listen to the rubbish I spout."

Wenger however admitted that he was under pressure to deliver before the transfer window.

He said: "Of course there will be new excuses, what do you take me for. I will blame Africa, fuel duty and the fear of clowns before the season is out. Fans can be assured of that."

"I need excuses that are better than the ones I already have. The sort of excuses that will deliver another contract to me for ten more years of non-achievement."

London in chaos for third night as cops roam free and arrest anyone

2011-08-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

London is suffering its third night of chaos as 16,000 coppers run riot in what is being described as national police state day.

Emboldened boys in blue were beating up kids, arresting people for looking at them and making suggestive remarks to Sky reporters.

Eyewitness Max Wick said: "We have not seen anything like this since the 1970s.The rioters seem to have lost control at the moment and it just does not seem they planned for this at all."

The government was set to try and bring in rioters from all around the country to control the police rebellion which could force Britain into building 338 new prisons by next weekend.

Chief Inspector Cruella Dick explained: "We intend to arrest anyone in a baseball cap, including William Hague. So far we have arrested 14,000 people.

"Then we are going to fire water cannon at people, punch up a few kids and generally do lots of things to kind of refill that cesspit of resentment which may be a little empty after all this activity."

She added: "We don't want to risk that some of these people might actually feel sorry for the police, given that they have given us such a beating for the past few nights.

"People say that these problems are built up through mistaken shootings and unnecessary stop and search. Well we can certainly promise there is going to be a hell of a lot of that tonight."

Police say it could be weeks before columnists shut up

2011-08-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Police say it may be weeks before they can disrupt the endless amounts of stupid columnists writing rubbish about riots.

Chief Inspector Roger Dodd said: "We've got right wingers saying that it is the end of multi-culturalism and we need to bring back the death penalty.

"Then we have got all those on the left going on about how this is exactly what they predicted while seemingly pleasuring themselves."

He added: "We really do not know when it is going to stop. Polly Toynbee is writing a book and Peter Hitchens is taping a vale dictum which will be issued on megaphones up and down Oxford Street. It is pure chaos.

"People say use water cannon and get the army out, but you won't believe how belligerent some of these people are."

The public have been told to stay indoors and watch Channel Five.

Boris Johnson has reassured London that come next year people will be able to trot about on a horse or float weirdly in swimming pools without fear.

The government has responded to the crisis by cutting short their holidays to give pointless interviews.

Home Secretary Theresa May blamed the warm weather for all the riots.

She said: "We Brits just don't like the sun."

Norway killer may be given extra gardening

2011-08-07T09:35:00.000-07:00

Norwegians are demanding extra tough sentencing for Anders Breivik, including double community service and no TV on Friday.

Minister for Generic Liberal Slogans Per Ulstrap said: "People are asking crazy things, like we should deliberately unbalance his diet so he does not get enough Vitamin C.

"We are not savages. This gardening project we have lined up for him is really going to make him think twice about his actions."

The infamously tough jail in which Breivik has been sent to has already shown signs of unrest.

Prison Governor Lars Sondberg said: "Inmates have said they will not deliver library books to him or let them try this new jam they have developed. It is organic and goes with rye bread.

"Naturally, we are all very worried where this might lead to. In the worst cases, we will have to consider lockdown where the prisoners are not allowed to leave their suites, I mean rooms."

Hacks admit using 'eyes' to get stories on Winehouse and Doherty

2011-08-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

The late Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty were the victims of covert tabloid surveillance operations which used devices such as "eyes" and "windows".

Former Sun hack Lennie O'Rara has dished the dirt on what lengths the newspaper had to go to get stories about the two singers.

He said: "I was told to come up with a three page long splash on Miss Winehouse. I bought a stool and sat opposite her house for the weekend.

"Of course it felt wrong but everyone was doing it. Everyone was doing this 'looking' thing and it worked. I ended up having enough copy from that weekend to write a biography. Everyone just assumed I was from the gas board."

O'Rara was also ordered to get stories about Doherty, especially when he was going out with Kate Moss.

He said: "I got into a tower block which was kind of adjacent to his. Then I used something which we hacks like to call a window. Through t, I saw him doing a lot of stuff – most of which I needed the internet to actually understand."

O'Rara admitted these "dark arts" were wrong and backed calls for "eyes" to be taken out of journalism for good.

Philosophy will not help Barton explain why he ends up at crap team

2011-08-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

Wittgenstein will not help you justify eventually signing for Wigan, Joey Barton has been told.

Thug and moron Barton is now officially a working class anti-hero after he learned how to cut and paste philosophy quotes on to his Twitter.

Guardian football reporter Barney Davies-Winthrop said: "When he stubbed a cigarette into some bloke's face, we all assumed Joey was just some brat with money.

"But now it's clear he was making a socio-political art-statement against the micro-managing of society by a computer-obsessed state."

Barton's agent was unavailable for comment but left a message which said: "Joey, please stop asking about Arsenal."

Earlier in the day, it had been reported that a host of clubs were eager to sign Barton on a free.

In a press release agent Mickey Swift said: "Joey will obviously talk to a host of leading names in football before then mysteriously signing for Wigan."

Gomorrah to lead Italy debt negotiations

2011-08-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

Italy is to unveil a radical programme of bribery and violence to combat its debt crisis.

Prime Minister Sylvio Berlusconi said: "All this talk about fiscal this and regenerate that. Then you have debt loads, austerity measures and many other things.

"I think a lot of these bankers like girls with nice panties. The numbers stuff I do not really understand but the girls stuff... I am a genius on these matters."

The strategy already seems to be paying off following early talks in Brussels.

Banker Erik Van Redhezen said: "When Italy's delegation arrived, it was not what we expected.

"It is very rare that you see economic experts turn up with severed heads and axes."

He added: "I must say they offered an excellent deal though. I have my penis and now a very nice new girlfriend with an exceptional pair of personalities."

Confused American doesn't know why he still has money

2011-08-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

A confused man in the US cannot understand why he still appears to have money despite being totally lazy and in the midst of an economic apocalypse.

Security guard Hank Trimmer, from Virginia, admits he turns up to work late, ignores a large number of his duties and does not even really know why he is employed.

Trimmer told Newsfox: "They did something to our debt and now we is gonna get told what to do by China.

"I thought – holy hell, this is going to be bad for a know-nothing dumb ass like me. But then, I looked at my bank account and it seemed to still have enough money for me to waste dollars on mountains of food that will kill me whilst watching subscription-based crime shows that I can never remember."

Trimmer said that politicians needed to do more to explain why everything was so terrible.

He said: "It just doesn't look that bad so we don't understand what to do. I feel like I should be rioting in the streets but when someone is paying me to sit at a desk all night and watch porn, it is kind of hard to get angry."

Concern that threats against Duncan Bannatyne will not come true

2011-08-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

Police are investigating claims that threats made against Duncan Bannatyne were not real.

Wilo McTier, head of the police celebrity unit (aka Metropolitan police), said: "We are clearly concerned that threats against this individual may have been made by some half-baked lazy prankster on Twitter.

"When you have someone who is so palpably annoying and delusional as Bannatyne, it is a very worrying thing for society when threats like this are not actually made good. It is simply not sustainable.

"These people have totally over-valued their threats which is a basic error. We won't be investing in this one."

He added: "The other thing is that with the News of the World scandal, you really need something good to sell anything to journalists. Empty threats just won't cut it and I have Jacuzzis to pay for."

Meanwhile new Dragons Den judge Hilary Devey has admitted that she has not had surgery on her eyes.

Devey said: "People who say I have had plastic surgery all over totally forget about my eyes.

"They are totally 110% real and I have never had any thoughts of enlarging them or getting an extra one put in."

UK confirms it's too busy killing orphans to worry about murderers

2011-08-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

The UK has rejected calls for the death penalty and insisted that it is too busy killing orphans in foreign countries.

Foreign Secretary Wee William Vague said: "We have not got time to kill murderers and rapists.

"There are much more important things to do like accidentally killing families in Libya and Afghanistan."

Vague said that it was vital that the state did not kill its own citizens, not matter how much pain they have inflicted.

He added: "Everyone deserves a second chance apart from people living in oil rich countries with questionable governance."

Liberals, meanwhile, have thrown their hands up in the air declared themselves utterly depressed after the revelation that people have a real thing against killers.

Guardian Numpty Editor Lemara Gale said: "Our dream of a Scandinavian justice model is over. For some reason, people do not think violent thugs should get widescreen TVs."

Politicians furious that Norway attacks were not by Islamic extremists

2011-07-31T14:37:00.000-07:00

British politicians have expressed outrage after the perpetrator of the Norway 'things' was not a Muslim terrorist.

UK Prime Minister David Spamelot said: "I absolutely deplore this sickening event. Millions of innocent neo-conservatives were frothing at the mouth, ready to send out hundreds of press releases about new freedoms to get rid of, the death of multi-culturalism and more excuses to have another war.

"Instead they were left tragically scratching their heads, not even being able to call this a terror attack. I mean, who does this Breivik character think he is, not even allowing us a fear-inspiring collective noun? We British, particularly those of us with friends in the security industry, also known as the police, will certainly not put up with it."

Other leading figures in America and beyond also expressed dismay that the killer failed to be part of any of the main fear narratives.

A White House spokesman said: "Jeez, we give these guys communism, we give these guys islamism. You'd think he could pick one."

Socio-political affairs expert Professor Syll Barnstaff dismissed the thousands of pages of evidence which suggests Breivik was a far right fanatic influenced by religious propaganda.

He said: "History, and when I say history I mean the last few years, has shown us extremist Islamism is what we have to fear. This individual was just a one off madman whose actions cannot be exploited to further control oil prices, sorry, er, I mean social cohesion.

"Had this been an extremist Islamist incident, clearly everyone in Norway would have had to stay indoors for about 50 years. But he isn't so people are now free to check out some jazz."

Campbell capable of creating war myths in 45 minutes

2011-07-21T13:53:00.000-07:00

Alastair Campbell was capable of coming up with new fictions about Iraq's weapons within 45 minutes, a leading spy has said.

"It was absolutely frightening," Brigadier General Garminder Smythe said. "He would come into my office, at the time when things were really feverish, and tell me that Iraq had this and that type of chemical weapon.

"If I dared to ask him whether he had evidence, Campbell would delve into what I thought was a briefcase and start hurling potatoes at me. No amount of SAS training can prepare you for such a thing because it is happening in an office."

Smythe said that he would then employ a secret code breaking device known as GOOGLE to try and check Campbell's claims.

But he added: "Just 45 minutes later and he is back in my office again saying that they have the capacity to create genetic mutants who could kick people's faces off.

"Mr Campbell asked me to imagine how I would feel if my son had his face kicked off. In the end, we just let him have the war to get him to shut up."

Prince Andrew admits he can't even be bothered with free holidays

2011-07-21T13:50:00.000-07:00

The Duke of York has admitted that he can't even be bothered to fly around the world on free junkets any more.

"Just get off my back dudes," the duke was heard saying to Saudi Arabia's royal family via telephone, moments before his press conference was about to start.

Prince Andrew explained that major shifts in the geo-political matrix had prompted his decision.

He said: "The quality of champagne on first class flights is frankly pathetic. I could swear I was drinking Lambrini the other so I quite rightly spat out my drink on the Botswana's Minister for Trade Affairs.

"I didn't know she was sitting there. Well I did but I bloody forgot all right?"

He added: "Now I am getting the blame for the UK losing a big tractor order – all because I happen to be well brought up.

"I do not understand modern trade. I set up a fantastic trade deal with Libya and then I get asked all this stuff about workers' rights. I was having a huge steak at the time with my mate Muammar who I like to call Barnabus.

"When am I supposed to ask about these silly rights? When I was a helicopter pilot for the army, I did not worry about rights – well apart from demanding my own personal châteaux instead of having to sleep with the other grunts. But that's what everyone expects when you are a professional cunt. "

Premier League abandons trying rule

2011-07-16T17:24:00.000-07:00

Premier League teams will now be free to field harpsichord-playing leprechauns away to Manchester United.

Football bosses have agreed to banish the ridiculous rule 49c, which politely asks teams to maybe select their best team even when it's cold.

Premier League Chief Executive Richard Coulddomore said: "It is crazy for fans to think that that paying £100 or more to watch their team entitles them to see a set of specific players.

"They are paying to see the bloody brand, how many times have I got to explain this eh? If Blackpool choose to represent their brand with some stray cats then so be it. They probably would have been better than the defence they put out at Old Trafford last season.

"Footballs fans are so naive – next they'll be asking us to make the league more competitive! What the hell has that got to do with leisuretainment dudes?"

Wolves manager Mick McCarthy sparked amazement when he put out a supposedly weakened team against Man United as few people believed he could possibly find worse players than the ones he was already picking.

He said: "I will put out a weakened team for every game next season. Not to make a point, it's just that we are crap and I cannot find any decent players in war torn Africa or Cornwall – which are the only markets we can afford.

"It is great to know that we do not always have to field humans in Premier League games – this was an unfair straightjacket on honest, lower league sides who can now sign Joey Barton."

Sainsbury's decide to stop advertising Jamie Oliver

2011-07-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

Sainsbury's has decided to quit advertising Jamie Oliver to concentrate on selling food.

"Jamie paid us a lot of money to advertise himself," chief executive Vic Harps said. "But after ten great years together, we really have other things we want to do, like sell our range of 'super organic' eggs where hens even get cable TV. "

He added: "Jamie is a fantastic brand and in a way we both exploit people who like to drink orange juice out of a nice box. And Fair Trade Frazzles.

"Jamie has done well out of it. He got half price entry into a over35s indie night in Neasden the other day. You can't buy that sort of thing - unless you go on vouchercodes."

But Harps said that in recent years the relationship had cooled, with Oliver blatantly using them because his family and friends no longer wanted to speak to him.

He said: "The Xmas campaign was just weird. He paid us £3m but when we turned up with all our gubbins there wasn't a TV camera in the place.

"He just made small talk and asked whether it is wrong to stab people who don't eat healthy school dinners."

"I just felt it was time for things to end. That indie haircut is just rubbish and it totally kills the vibe."

Controversy as Moss guests told they can't leave

2011-07-12T06:26:00.000-07:00

Controversy is raging after it emerged guests at Kate Moss's wedding needed permits to leave.

A stellar line-up of celebrities were queuing up to get away once they realised the wedding event of the year was going to be three days long and involve listening to obscure indie musicians talking about cartoons.

Businessman Philip Green was among the first of the guests to attempt to leave, but eyewitnesses report that Philip Schofield appeared on a three-mile wide big screen and told Green that he had to stay and play on the dodgems.

Green said: "Everyone here just talks about rainbows all the time. It is fucking weird and I'm scared."

When various models attempted to exit in a bid to find a Snickers, the Schofield visage appeared again and told them to go and watch the Vaccines, who were playing a 13 hour gig.

Attendee and groom Jamie Hince said: "Kate promised me that I could get back for Countdown. As a failed musician, she knows how important things like that are for me."

Brown shocked after getting first ever voicemail

2011-07-12T06:17:00.001-07:00

Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown has admitted he is shocked by revelations that he has voicemail.

Mr Brown told a press conference that a shocked staff member with his phone provider had called him over the weekend to report suspicious activity.

He said: "I was told that there was someone who actually wanted to talk to me. Not for work or to shore up a sham marriage, but because they actually wanted to.

"The last time that happened, I was in primary school and wee Gordon McSwim asked if I wanted to play conkers. Naturally, I told him I was reading a nuanced critique about western geopolitical interference in New Malden. I never saw him again.

"That is the last time I had any voluntary contact with my peers...probably until I began considering reform of the House of Lords."

He added: "I always though voicemail was for fancy, champagne-swilling, chicken-eating, comfortable duvet buying charlatans like Tony Blair.

"But now I must reconsider. Better go and respond to this voicemail as the message was actually telling me that I have won some money! Hopefully, I might be able to buy some fruit pastels or family pack of Cilla Black, sorry no Cilla Bang. Oh Christ what have I done now?"

Decriminalise tabloid users, Guardian says

2011-07-08T04:43:00.000-07:00

The Guardian has said the war on tabloid users is failing, insisting that the long-adopted strategy of forcing them to have crap houses, jobs and faces has to end.

In an editorial made of soya beans it said: "For too long we have criminalised the tabloid user. As a punishment for liking pun driven headlines associated with a diet of harmless sport and celebrity pseudo news, we have taken away their jobs, fed them heroin and given them no option but to live off chicken nuggets made by Jamie Oliver.

"The fact is millions of people enjoy tabloid using and medical evidence does suggest that if you do it now and again it is perfectly harmless. We cannot pretend that we can ever win this war against tabloids."

It added: "Trying to criminalise every tabloid is ridiculous. Tabloid pushers simply come up with new ways of getting around the regulations.

"So whilst a ban on the News of the World may exist, there is no question something else will come on the market to take its place."

The Guardian said those who push tabloids should be targeted and rehabilitation should be offered to users rather than working class penury.

It said: "There is great outreach being done where tabloid users are given copies of the Guardian Guide and taught to appreciate being obsessed with celebrity in an ironic, detached way. So far, it has had terrible results."

Murdoch already boycotts News of the World

2011-07-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Rupert Murdoch has insisted he has been boycotting the News of the World for the last 15 years.

The friendly but demented Aussie tycoon said: "Streuth, cobblers and top of the morning! I haven't read that thing for the last 20 years so, in some way, I have really been ahead of the game on this one.

"I just always thought it was a really good newspaper to help fight the cause of law and order. If our journalists are let back on the streets, god knows what damage they might do.

"Most of them are paedophiles for God's sake, even the girls."

Murdoch said he stopped reading the paper, because all the talk about romping made his heart beat dangerously fast.

Figures obtained by Newsfox, suggest around 53m Brits have been refusing to read the paper ever since they were born.

He said: "If I read and watched everything I made, how bloody bored would I be? I bloody watch iplayer, it is much better."

Politicians have warned that Murdoch faces tough new regulations.

Prime Minister David Cameron said: "At the next champagne and canopes reception with News International, I am really going to have a go at Rupert.That's obviously if I can clear my mouth long enough because those canopes are DAMN GOOD."

Public happy for journalists to make stuff up or exaggerate

2011-07-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

The public have said that it only ever wanted tabloids to produce falsified drivel during its coverage of tragic child deaths.

Graham Bunton, a member of the public, explained that he was totally shocked that a journalist would go to the trouble of hacking a phone, when all people want is some harmless made-up details which provide a few seconds of titillation.

He said: "I would be shocked if anyone thought we condoned this, despite the fact that wall-to-wall coverage of child disappearance and murder is the only time when people watch 24-hour news.

"Yes, we do have a weird obsession with this sort of thing and it is vital that sensationalised, wildly over-dramatic coverage continues.

"But the key thing is that we are quite happy for reporters just to make up the gruesome details."

A BBC spokesman said: "It is crucial we report every sickening detail of this phone hacking scandal and get as many pictures of murder victims on our site as possible. Obviously, because it is in the public interest.

"We are keen to know the reaction of the families. If anyone can get into their voicemails and email us that would be great. Just don't tell us you did of course!"

Public member Nigel Greggs said: "Why would any journalist be so desperate as to do this? I did not care about this hacking story but now that a dead child is involved I am going out to buy every newspaper so I can read about it all day."

Plan to cut red tape for school trips cancelled due to scissor accident

2011-07-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

Plans to make it easier to organise school trips have been shelved after a horrific red tape cutting accident.

Officials want to simplify the process of allowing teachers to practice sado-masochistic revenge on their pupils or just plain kill them.

The government think guidance on telling teachers what to do if a pupil falls out of a canoe is wasteful as'most teachers watch nature programmes and would know what to do'.

But bureaucrats have been forced to cancel the plan after a courageous penpusher ended up being stabbed in the foot after dropping a pair of scissors while he bravely attempted to tackle a towering inferno of red tape.

Health and safey expert Nigel Ground explained: "There was so much of it, you could barely see or hear anything else.

"There was so much regulation. Completely stupid things like pages and pages of first aid advice and stuff about 'not pushing pupils off hills'. We sent Unwin on that job and that is where the accident was happened.

"He did not follow standard scissor holding procedures and unfortunately he lost hold of them. Sadly, they plunged on to his foot and burst an artery."

Gordon Unwin died hours later. The Health and Safety excecutive said it will immediately train all its employees in health and safety as a result.